Little Yohji Riding Hood
by Siko Kudou
Summary: Off to grandmother's house we go...Mwa, 'Aya Weiss'; yet another screwed up story added!
1. Little Yohji Riding Hood

Konnichiwa! Thank you ever so much for clicking on this! I wrote it during homeroom and first mod with a little inspiration from my Chris… *drool* Enjoy and r&r!

(there is a spotlight on Siko and she sits in an armchair, book in hand)

Siko: Greetings. Bisounen, bishoujo, fangirls and fanboys…tonight I will be telling you the story of Little Yohji Riding Hood!

From somewhere else: Stop screwing up the titles!

Siko: *pouts* Screw you!

(someone throws a lit stick of dynamite at her)

Siko: AHHHHHH!!! (jumps out of the way just in the nick of time. She kneels behind the chair, quietly laughing) Heh heh, those crazy fans…

Voice: Go to hell!

Siko: I've already been there, thank you very much! Now then…(fixes her pigtails) I believe I was about to begin my story(opens the book)…ahem, once upon a time…

(we see Yohji. Only he's not exactly dressed like Yohji…he's wearing a school girl uniform with his hair in pigtails ^_^; . He's skipping around outside a little house, picking flowers and humming)

Yohji: La, la, la, Siko's making me flamboyantly gay in this, la, la, la!

Ken's voice: (horribly trying to sound feminine) Oh, Yohji!

Yohji: Yes, mommy-dearest?

Ken's voice: I need a favor from you!

Yohji: The hell with this…I'm gonna go get laid(starts to walk away, but the author shoves him back into the story) I hate you and I hope you die. (straightens out his clothes) Coming, mommy-dearest! (skips inside the house. Ken is wearing a blonde wig, a gaudy pink dress and a checkered apron. He has fake lashes that are about 5 inches long and bright blue eye shadow) Yes, mommy-dearest?

Ken: Honey, your grandma isn't well. Last week she threw her katana at another helicopter…only this time it fell down, hit her in the head and now she has a concussion. 

Yohji: Oh no! How awful! (turns away and quietly snickers)

Ken: So…I want you to take this to her. (hands him a basket with some Ho-Hos, a Cosmopolitan magazine and a Journey cd)

Yohji: (looks in the basket) Eh…?

Ken: Now you have to hurry, the sun is starting to set!

Yohji: (looks at his watch) It's 8 am.

Ken: I was trying to be dramatic, goddamnit.

Yohji: *blinks* Well, bye mommy-dearest! (leans over and kisses him…not exactly the way daughters should kiss their mothers)   

Ken: *eyes wide*

Yohji: *grins, grabs a red cloak and waves, then skips out*

Ken: *raises an eyebrow*

(later, Yohji is skipping along through the woods, swinging the basket back and forth, humming)

Yohji: (off-key) TRA-LA-LA! Off to grandmother Aya's house I gooooooo…

Voice: …hello, little girl…  

Yohji: (stops and gasps) Who said that? Who's there?!

Voice: Turn around and see for yourself…

Yohji: (looks up)

Voice: *Behind* you.

Yohji: (looks to his left)

Voice: (sighs)

Yohji: (looks up again, confusedly) Hello? 

(someone goes up and turns him around. Yohji gasps again to see who it is. It's a certain redhead *grins* only now he has wolf ears, a tail and a cute widdle nose… *fangirls: AW! KAWAII!* He leans against a tree with his arms crossed, grinning)

Yohji: Y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-

Wolf: Oh, out with it!

Yohji: You're a wolf!

Wolf: Hm, you noticed? I think that fox would have suited me better, but oh, well…

Yohji: (backs away, clutching his basket) Please don't kill me and eat me! I don't taste that good!

Wolf: (ears perk up) Kill you? (laughs) I'm not going to kill you…but the eating thing, most likely…and nonsense, I'm sure you're delicious! (licks his lips at him, then sits down on the ground and starts scratching behind his ear with his foot) What are you doing in these deep, dark woods all by yourself, little girl?

Yohji: I'm taking a basket to my grandma Aya…she's very sick…

Wolf: Ohhhh, that's just too bad…say, where does your grandma live?

Yohji: About 3 miles from here in a little stone house…why? (looks down and notices that the wolf is trying to look up his skirt) PERVERT! *kicks him away*

Wolf: *hitting his head on a tree trunk* OUCH! You didn't have to do that, you know! Now you made me cry! (starts 'crying' into his paws) I think I deserve a kiss for some consolation!

Yohji: I'm not talking to you anymore! Hmph! *stomps away*

Wolf: *glares, then smiles and gets off, walking toward a certain house…*

(meanwhile, Grandma Aya is sitting in his rocking chair, knitting a sweater and blaring 'Separate Ways' by Journey. He's wearing a bonnet and little granny glasses.)

Aya: (sings) Someday love will find you, break these chains that bind you!

(the door suddenly swings open and Aya looks up, glaring)

Aya: Buy something or get out!

Intruder: Couldn't you have bought a more conventional welcome mat? (points to Aya's welcome mat that says 'I'm a bitter old woman whose sister is in a coma because of that bastard Takatori(shi-NE!) so I've become cold and aloof to most human emotions, blah, blah, blah…')

(A few minutes later, Yohji comes prancing up to the door and cheerfully knocks)

Yohji: Grandma Aya, it's me, Yohji!

Voice inside: (in a very unsuccessful attempt to sound old and feeble) Come in…

Yohji: (opens the door and happily prances insides, but stops and gapes when he sees 'Aya') Grandma, you look awful!

'Aya': Shut the hell up, no I don't-I mean, what's wrong, dear?

Yohji: Why do you have whiskers?

'Aya': Um, Grandma has a hormonal imbalance…

Yohji: Grandma, wha-what big ears you have!

'Aya': All the better to hear you with, my dear…

Yohji: Grandma: What big eyes you have!

'Aya': All the better to see you with, my dear…

 Yohji: Grandma, what a big mouth you have!

'Aya': All the better to swallow you with my dear…

Yohji: Grandma, what big teeth you have!

'Aya': All the better to tease you with, my dear…

Yohji: Wait a minute…you're not my grandma!

'Aya': Ding, ding, ding…*rolls his eyes and claps* very perceptive…(jumps out of the bed and at Yohji)

Yohji: Ack! *runs around the room*

Wolf: *chases him* Feisty…

Yohji: AHHHH!!!!! *tries to run to the door but the wolf blocks it*

Wolf: Hm, you're not going anywhere…(advances on him)

Yohji: (looks around until his eyes fall on something) Take this! (turns on the cd player and Journey comes on)

Stereo: Troubled times, caught between confusions and pain, pain, pain!  
Distant eyes, promises we made were in vain, vain, vain!

Wolf: AH! MAKE IT STOP! (backs off behind the door, covering his ears)

(the door suddenly opens, hitting the wolf in the face and knocking him out)

Wolf: Daaaaa…(little stars float around his head and he falls down. The guy who opened the door just kinda stands there, looking around. He's got silver hair and is wielding a hunting knife)

Hunter: I heard screaming, so I ran here to watch whoever was being killed…and help.

Yohji: *sweatdrop*

(there is muffled screaming from the closet and Yohji and the hunter look at each other, then walk over to open it up. Aya falls out, bound and gagged, only wearing his boxers)

Aya: (muffled) SHI-NE!

Yohji: (raises an eyebrow, then looks back and forth between Aya and the bed.) Kinky…

Hunter: Um, I'm going to very quietly leave now…(slowly backs out the door. After a minute he poke his head in) This pointless parody *really* hurt God…*runs away*

Siko: (closes her book) And so, Little Yohji Riding Hood, his Grandma Aya and his mother Ken all lived happily ever after and had many threesomes…later when the wolf was hitchhiking, another wolf(this one with glasses and a stick up his ass) picked him up in his Lexus and they fell in love, got married and became the inspiration for most of my yaoi fics. As for the hunter…well…let's just say I've got a little something in my closet, too ^_~ 

Sounds from the background: YAIYAIYAIYAIYAI! *sounds of people screaming, car crashes and sirens*

Siko: Oh, crap, I forgot to lock the door again…and that, my friends, is the living end!

                                                            ~*~ 


	2. Aya Weiss

Ack, I'm turning this into a scary storybook, so be afraid…be very afraid… Aya Weiss 

Siko: *sits in an armchair by a roaring fireplace, eyes closed*

Voice: *whispers* Siko, you're on…

Siko: *snores loudly*

Voice: Siko!

Siko: *drools*

(someone fires a bazooka in her general direction)

Siko: *jumps up* AHHHHHHH! *is fried to a crisp in 2 seconds* …oro. *clears her throat, wipes some soot off of her face and smoothes out her hair, most of which falls to her feet in ashes* Aw, crap. ^^;; Hello, all! Welcome to yet another distorted fairy, brought to you by yours truly! *grabs a book titled 'Snow White and the Seven Dwarves' and holds it up* We'll see how many minutes it takes me to screw this up beyond recognition! But anyway, let's begin…

Long ago, like 5 days, in a far away land there lived a happy young boy named Aya Weiss…

(Aya is dressed as a widdle princess*awww!* glaring)

Aya: My name is Fujimiya! FUJIMIYA, YOU EVIL CHILD!

Ahem, anyway, Aya was a very *happy* child…that is until his parents (the king and queen, mind you) were bumped off by this stupid old man named Takatori from a rival kingdom-

Aya: You forgot about Aya-chan.

*sighs* And yes, of course, his little sister was run over by Takatori's horse-drawn carriage.

Aya: Can I say it now?

Go ahead…

Aya: Takatori…Shi-NE!

Now that that is behind us…little Aya had to live with his evil stepmother, Queen Schuldig(how he could have an evil stepmother when his father was married is beyond me, but work with me here, people!) who was very self-centered and liked to make Aya's life miserable.

(Aya, wearng an ugly patched up dress with dirt smudges all over his face is carrying 2 buckets full of water into the palace, surrounded by happy singing birds and deer that are carrying the hem of his dress)

Aya: *mutters* What did I ever do to deserve this?

(meanwhile in the palace…)

(Queen Schu is standing in front of his *magical* talking mirror and fixing his hair)

Schu: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who is the foxiest of them all?

Nagi-mirror: *sighs* For the 5, 000th frickin' time, it's you. Don't you ever get tired of asking me this?

Schu: *glares* I need to know that I'm the foxiest person in this kingdom so I can kill whoever if foxier than me so I'll be the foxiest! Not that anybody is…*smirks*

Nagi-mirror: *sighs and rolls eyes*

(but Aya was slowly becoming a very lovely pretty boy with a skinny, girlish figure and skin as white as snow. And it was on his 20th birthday that he truly blossomed into the bishounen that he is today…)

Schu: *combing his fingers through his hair, pouting into Nagi-mirror* Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who is the foxiest of them all?

Nagi-mirror: That would be Aya.

Schu: *a long moment of silence…*

Nagi-mirror: Well, that went relatively well.

Schu: *twitches* …WHAT did you say?

Nagi-mirror: I said that Aya's the foxiest in all of the kingdom.

Schu: STUPID MIRROR! I'LL KILL YOU!

Nagi-mirror: I'd like to see you try.

Schu: Argh! This can't be happening! How *dare* he try and be prettier than ME!

Nagi-mirror: Why are you telling me like I give a damn?

Schu: Oh, quiet you…now I have to waste 2 minutes of my precious time to think of a plan to get rid of this stupid brat…

Nagi-mirror: Why don't you just accept that he's prettier than you and move on?

Schu: It's the principle! Who could even think to allow themselves to be more beautiful than me?

Nagi-mirror: A lot of people, actually. And maybe you should have laid off the Starbucks Frappichinos for awhile…

Schu: *turns away and pinches his gut, finding that maybe Nagi-mirror was riiiiiiight…*

Schu: Oh, quiet you…*rubs his chin thoughtfully for a moment before an evil smirk crosses his face, along with a surge of quiet maniacal laughter…* …heheheheheh…hmhmhmhm…mwahahahaha…BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA!

Nagi-mirror: Dammit, shut the hell up!

Schu: *glares* Don't talk to me like that, you're just a stupid mirror!

Nagi-mirror: Well, you're a stupid slut!

Schu: At least *I* can get some!

Nagi-mirror: …point taken.

(and so, the very next day, Queen Schu had one of his many *ahem* "subjects" take Aya deep into the woods, kill him and bring back his heart as proof of his death…unfortunately for him, the one he sent on this mission was Brad, who had kinda been seeing Aya on the side…)

Aya: *looking around at the scary trees and gloomy atmosphere * This is your idea of a romantic walk in the woods? …very good, Brad.

Brad: *nervous smile* Uh, yeah, of course…ah, look over there, it's a shrubbery!

Aya: Huh? Where?! *turns around to look as Brad pulls a knife from its sheath and advances on Aya with it* I don't see any shrubbery… *turns around as Brad getting ready to plunge the knife in his back and gasps* What if the moon really *is* made out of cheese?!

Brad: Eh?

Aya: *notices that Brad is trying to stab him* What? How *dare* you! *grabs his katana which has been so conveniently placed on the ground next to him…and is suddenly flying up in the air with it drawn like he does(how the hell *does* he do that?)* Shi-NE!

Brad: Wait, wait! Stop, I don't want to kill you!

Aya: …oh. Okay. *stops in mid-air, katana still held above his head* But why did you pull that knife on me?

Brad: Listen, Aya, just go, run away.

Aya: *glares* Why did you try to kill me?

Brad: *sighs* Queen Schu ordered me to do it.

Aya: Oh, like I didn't see that one coming…

Brad: And if he finds out that I didn't kill you, it's both of our asses.

Aya: Hm, that's *your* problem now, isn't it? I'm leaving this stupid kingdom anyway…

Brad: I'm going with you.

Aya: No. *starts to walk away*

Brad: *evil flashing Brad-glasses affect* Yes-I-am.

Aya: I can regale you with my stories about the root of my angst then.

Brad: *shrinks back and whimpers*

Aya: *smirks*

Brad: So…you're leaving me here to face his wrath on my own? I thought we had something!

Aya: *cold glare, walks away*

Brad: Alright, I should have foreseen that…  

And so, wanting to save his own ass from annihilation, Brad killed one of the cute little deer that had the tendency to follow Aya around(it had to go anyway) and cut out its little dear heart, hoping he could pass it off as Ayas(unlikely chance, considering that Aya's heart isn't exactly a normal heart…

~*~AYA'S HEART: THE EDUCATIONAL BIT OF THIS TOTALLY USELESS STORY~*~

(Aya stands against a white background, glaring, arms crossed)

"This is Aya. Say hello, Aya."

Aya: …

(now Aya stands against the same white background, naked…the author and Aya fangirls all get nosebleeds)

"This is Aya's body. But we'll have to go deeper to get to the subject of this lesson."

(Aya…no longer has skin and all of his internal organs are visible)

"There are many interesting things in Aya's body. Why, just look, there's the Bermuda Triangle by his small intestine! And near his liver that would be one of Yohji's slippers, an alarm clock, Ghengis Kahn and my car keys. But let's observe his heart."

(close-up on Aya's heart which is a cold grey color, barely beating with a bumper sticker on it that says 'I don't discriminate; I hate everyone.')

"Notice the lack of actual human/animal characteristics!"

~*~LESSON CUT SHORT BY SIKO'S IMPATIENCE~*~

Bwa, I'll upload the next part verrrrrrrrry soon, kiddies!


End file.
